It just the second night since i felt i'm realy on my way for my own great loss in my life.
"Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life. When we don’t grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past" Vamik D. Volkan once said that.
That can't realy afford to explain what i'm feeling right now about your loss, it just barely can explain my fear that makes me can't afford to wait these so many rough nights to express my deep feeling of misery, just not to look like such a loser teenage, and people point their forefingers on my face and say that terrible silly words about my silly suffer.
They aslo said, the first night in your jail is the toughest, when you been put in that cell, and close the doors, there you finaly realise what for real, your entire life passes over your eyes in a single second, while you're staring in your great loss, and your brain starts it's little masterful jop in his whole life career, resisting, delusioning, and convincing you there's still a hope to get it back, but you eventually realise that hope is a dangerouse thing that can only drives you insane.
For the first time i thought about that conversation about sex we've made at our last days, it drived me that i was always wrong, and bible and that Holy shit i've always despised them for disfiguring the beauty of sex and it's impacts on love was totally right; all that passoinate i've carried with me from our nights we used to make love is litteraly transformed into a monster that killing me every moment, our little beautiful sin now becomes my whole day nightmare.
